So it's official. I'm coming back to blogging. Funny, I always imagined this day would be accompanied by some fireworks, or perhaps very bright sparklers. I wanted there to be cheers. I could hear the swell of the music. The whispers around the net as people proclaimed, "Hey! Did you hear Mattias is back?" While the other, in denial, goes back to playing video games saying, "You're pulling my leg dude. It's just another faux Mattias pretending to be the real thing."
Nah dude. This is real. And people don't pull legs anymore. (I think.)
Of course this isn't exactly what happened; in fact, I'm pretty sure that no one actually knows I exist. That's what this post is supposed to serve as: A friendly introduction.
I've been blogging since '06. I took a break in June of this year because I really needed to re-evaluate myself. I archived all my posts, took a step back from the computer, and focused on life. The problem became that I talked about myself too much, and had nothing to offer the world. Word of advice: no one wants to hear about your life, they wanna hear about their own. Unfortunately my life was too overwhelming at that point, and before I could effectively give insight I had to figure some stuff out first.
Now I'm back, and I can understand what you might be thinking. Who cares what I have have to say? How will this be any different before? These are all valid arguments. After all, there are plenty of bloggers out there who are way more credible and better at this than I am (Check my links page for a few). This is still going to follow my life, more or less, but I'm done making this a personal journal and I'm ready to make it a platform. And to be completely honest I'm scared. The question that keeps coming to my head is repeatedly: Am I ready? I feel like I've come back too soon, that I haven't exactly figured myself out yet, and I haven't had the time to re-define ANYTHING.
But then I realize that's not exactly true. People have been viewing me differently as of late. I've been viewing myself differently. The way people describe me now is not the same way people have been describing me six months ago. If that's not a whisper from God then I don't know what is.
I'm not the same guy who graduated from a one-high-school town, joined the US Navy, got himself into many broken relationships, and came back to Texas only to find I was not the person God intended me to be. I'm not the same guy who only talked about being a creative, an artist, or an actor, but I've embarked on these things and have begun to see the future before me. I'm not the same selfish person who couldn't see what was going on in the world around him. I believe I'm part of something bigger. I believe that God is opening my eyes to the big picture. I believe that He's continually giving me a heart that breaks for others, and that wants to see them fulfill their passions more than I want to fulfill mine.
Of course. I could just be saying that. Sometimes I don't know the difference.
That is why I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud, that I'm fooling everyone, and that I'm not really who I claim to be. This is why I do not put my identity in what I say I am, but who God says I am. The truth is: I love Jesus. I love God. I'm a total screw up but He continually accepts me as His own no matter what. I fall. I make mistakes. I say the wrong things. I blow stuff out of proportion. I get selfish. I make idols. I occasionally try to do things on my own, to take control, only to find out that I don't have it as figured out as I thought I did. That's the thing about God; He's always reminding me that in reality, I don't know a single thing.
He Loves me anyway.
So maybe it is appropriate that I didn't start this blog off with a bang. Perhaps it is ok that no one is around to see this. In the end, it is not about me, but it is about the one who created me. Truthfully I am probably going to forget that at times, but I'll put this here as a reminder, just in case.