On Being Capable of More Than You Know

There's a story in the bible about a pair of twins: Esau and Jacob.

Legend has it that Jacob, the younger, came out of the womb clinging to the heel of Esau. This being the beginning of their story, as well as it's inclusion within the Book of Genesis, one can gather that this will be quite a thrilling tale. There is manipulation: Jacob tricks his older brother into giving up his birthright for a bowl of soup - which Esau famished-ly seeks after a long hunt. There is deception: Jacob putting on goat-skin to fool his father into believing the younger is actually Esau, to gain his father's blessing and inheritance normally given to the eldest. There is rivalry: After Esau finds out, he threatens to kill Jacob, whom decides to get out of dodge with everything he now claims as his own.

It is strange to think that after all this we find that Jacob is actually the protagonist of the story. One starts to feel sorry for Esau, who is barely mentioned throughout the rest of the bible, and is controversially "hated" by God in half of those mentions.

Granted there is no evidence that Esau ever relied on God for much, or even turned to him for guidance throughout his life. However in our acceptance as an audience to dismiss Esau as the text surely does, I believe we have missed a valuable lesson still to be derived from these brothers.

The myth continues years later with Jacob's journey back to the promised land. He is now wealthy and a true leader, but still very much the manipulative boy we have come to know. On his return he realizes that Esau, the older brother who lasts words to Jacob were, "I will kill you." lives/rules the land in which Jacob must pass through. Jacob expects the worst, as he should, and tries to send peace offerings aplenty to his long forgotten brother. Messengers bring word back that Esau is coming to meet his younger brother with 400 soldiers behind him. Jacob must go out to meet him, and surely, he thinks, to his death.

In the wilderness Jacob and Esau meet, for the first time in decades, and having not received a word from Esau as to his intentions, Jacob only assumes the worst; therefore he pleads with his brother on his knees to accept his offerings for forgiveness.

"Nay." Says Esau. "I have enough." He says reassuringly, before embracing (possibly) his brother in peace.

Peace is the moral of the story I was to give the elementary aged kids at Sunday School. I'm sure that's how people have read this brief passage for years. A story of forgiveness. Letting go. This coincides with Jesus later on, so how else would one need to interpret it. In almost a flash it's gone, and Jacob moves on to the promised land.

But as an older brother with two siblings I somehow found a connection with Esau in his statement that day. Esau who was able to get past the hurt and the misgivings of the past in order to move on, start a new life, and build his own kingdom from scratch. Having lost his birthright and inheritance - left with nothing - Esau was rightfully angry, but after years of living with these consequences I think he finally came to a conclusion that many of us never come to, and this is why he was able to forgive Jacob so easily.

Esau didn't need the inheritance or birthright. Esau was strong. He was skilled. He was the older and therefore much more confident than his little brother. In the end, Esau was capable of more than he knew, and had no need of an inheritance to start a life of his own.

Others have often asked me why I decided to join the military. There were many reasons, to be sure, and I'm assuming people expected me to answer accordingly. Benefits and Travel. Skill sets and Discipline. Pride and Duty. However I never answered with those things. To me it was a simple decision that came from an unlikely source. I wanted to give my brother and sister a chance attend college, have a life of their own, and not have to worry about how they were going to afford it. Being the three children of a single mother, I had a choice to make. I could take my indecisiveness and mediocre grades to community college, freeload a bit, and probably use up all my mothers' resources in the process. Or I can forge a path of my own, commit myself to four years of military service, and allow my mother to help my brother and sister - whom I didn't want to have to resort to the military in order to attend college.

I was capable, and so I chose the latter.

This is Esau's conclusion, that in the end he really didn't need the help from his father, but Jacob did. Jacob needed the blessing, as the less confident and meeker sibling (we are told he was essentially a mama's boy), and he needed the inheritance to get him started. Esau was capable by his own will.

Sometimes we may have everything taken away from us. We might be done so wrong as to imagine that our life is completely over, in shambles, and beyond restoring. And yet the story of Esau shows us that is not true. We are capable. We can rebuild. The story isn't over.

Of course, pride got the better of Esau, and I believe this is what separates the two brothers apart in God's eyes. It is for this reason that we find Jacob learning a similar lesson only verses before their reunion.

Jacob has lost his will. Knowing full well that his brother promised to kill him many years before, there is no hope left within Jacob. He has just sent his very large family ahead of him, divided up all his belongings, and sent them in opposing directions so that he might not "lose everything." Except it is clear that Jacob has given up already. He is done. Forfeit. And he straggles behind in his mourning to be alone, and to possibly contemplate his death at his brother's hand.

This is where "the stranger" enters. Some say it is God. Some say it is a messenger of God (an angel?). And still some say it is Jesus.

Regardless it is the most famous account of a human physically wrestling with one not of this Earth, and winning. In the struggle Jacob specifically asks The Stranger to bless him. The Stranger refuses, until he is caught in a hold that he cannot escape. Even after injuring Jacob permanently he still manages to get the better of The Stranger. Jacob wants a blessing, and he will not stop until he gets it. He wants acceptance. He wants what he's wanted his entire life: to be free. To not have to resort to manipulation to get what he wants. To not have to rely on his father or others to have a life. It's as if he's pleading with God, in his last night on Earth, to forgive him of everything he's done up until now - forgoing his destiny, looking for acceptance in all the wrong places, searching for what he believed would make him happy despite the God that could provide true - lasting - desires.

Here in the desert we find a man who has potentially lost everything he has held so close to him, these material blessings that were nothing more than temporary, and he is begging God for a second chance.

"What is your name?" The Stranger asks. Seems like an odd request until we realize that Jacob must say it for himself; must believe in the words for his own sake. I imagine his thought process being very muddled at this point.

(I am deceiver. I am manipulator. I am self-conscience. I am insecure. I am no good. I am worthless. I am lower than dirt. I am not worthy of my father's name, inheritance, or destiny. I am a coward. I am weak. I am a failure. I am unwanted. I am a fool.)

It is easy to see why Jacob wants a blessing at this point. Anything to validate his humanity. Anything to show that he is accepted. This is the main difference between him and Esau however. As Esau relied on himself throughout the years with no remorse, Jacob finally learns to give in to what God has in store. Jacob sheds off his own will in favor of God's, as he goes to Him fully vulnerable and finally, for once in his life, authentic to who he truly is. This is the Jacob that God has wanted to emerge for quite some time. This is the man whom He has placed the covenant of Abraham. Jacob has learned to trust God. Believe in himself. To fight head-on, and not take the easy way out. He asks for a blessing but doesn't realize he has always had it from God himself.

"What is your name?!"

"Jacob!!!!"

"No. Your name is Israel, because you wrestled with God, and you are capable of more than you know. You are blessed, as my creation, and I am with you."

On "Doing Life" Together

Recently I've been sharing some amazing conversations with a couple of good friends at a local hookah lounge. There's something about getting together. Talking. Hashing things out. Listening. Philosophizing. I imagine the greeks doing this. Asking questions that no one has imagined. Offering answers to undiscovered mysteries. Here I offered my own question. A loaded question.

What does it mean to "Do life" together?

Christians have heard this phrase before. We throw it in with "Small Groups" and "Community" every now and then. For those who don't know, "Doing Life" is our new way of saying, "Be involved. Engage. Love people. Carry each other's burdens. Sharpen like iron." etc. We understand this as a Biblical directive. To truly be a follower of Jesus, this isn't optional.

For some of us this means more coffee dates, lunch meetings, intentional conversations, or general one-on-ones where we attempt to catch up, dig in, or be vulnerable with our struggles. The problem is that there's no clear cut formula for "doing life" together. The bible doesn't outline how we can better engage in people's lives. Moreover, we are underestimating the power of relationships as completely organic, changing, and transitional. Though we have ideas of what it means to do life together, as outlined above, I can't help but wonder if these are just starting points, surface level, or altogether empty gestures that miss the example Jesus set for us. I'm not saying these things are completely wrong - from time-to-time - Just that there must be more. 

So I ask again...what does it mean to "Do Life" together?

Is it about catching up? Meeting for coffee once-a-week and sharing our experiences? Is it attending more small groups and bible studies? Planning events that everyone can attend and question "How's it going?"? Is it calling each other out and revealing temptations? Confessing our sins and holding each other accountable?

These are nice things to consider. I don't hold this against anyone. However - what happened to experiencing life together? Finding common interests and exploring these things first hand? Walking the same paths. Sharing the same stories. Connecting with each other through adventure and experience. Talking - I think - is where we've become stuck; to where the "Doing" has been lost on us almost completely.

I illustrated my answer with one of my favorite analogies about life. What I believe God has intended for us. I call it "Uncharted."

Imagine you're in a rainforest. One that - for you - is completely undiscovered (or Uncharted Territory.)

This is what I like to call life - from a completely metaphorical standpoint, of course. Imagine as you go through life, you are walking through any of these majestic locations. Perhaps you're lost, have no clue where you're going, or perhaps there's a specific point on a map that you're trying to get to, but you don't know how. That's the challenge of life. That's the whole adventure.

I can go on and on about why this is an apt analogy for God and our lives, but right now I want to focus a little closer on relationships within these uncharted territories - Our friendships formed by the people we meet along the way. Sometimes we meet people who have been through the path we just came from. Sometimes they have already been to where we are going. We come across fellow adventurers from time to time. We break bread together. Share our stories. Revel in each other's experiences. We may share a couple of nights in each other's company before we move on, with new insight or new motivation to keep us moving forward, unsure if we might ever see them again but hopeful our paths may cross again someday. Sometimes - though - these people are going the same direction as us.

Now imagine ourselves "doing life" in it's current context of coffee dates and lunch meetings. Here is where we see this person in the forest who is going the same direction as us, and we come to a mutual agreement. "You take this route, and I'll take this route, and every now and then we'll find each other and share details about our journey. Then we'll do this again and again. It'll be fantastic. We'll learn so much."

This seems a little strange...doesn't it?

I mean - we're both going the same direction - aren't we? Why are we so adamant about doing this alone? 

This is where I think we've got "Doing life" down wrong. From this perspective it just doesn't make sense. Sure the intentions might be wonderful, and from a purely mentor/disciple relationship I could see something like this working, but even a mentor has to be there to guide you at times. Doing life then should look a little something like inviting the other person along for the journey. Walking the same path. Sharing the same story.

Have you ever done something like this with another person? You get to learn quite a bit about them.

Sometimes you have arguments, and sometimes you share the same blanket. Sometimes you're both swimming under a waterfall, and sometimes one is helping the other hobble on one foot after a bad fall. You're going to experience each other's sounds, smells, and touch. You're going to teach one another new skills. There's going to be laughter, crying, and silence at times - because words are just not enough - or unnecessary. You will take more challenging routes because you're not alone, and there is confidence you can do it together. This is what it looks like, on the adventure of life, to really engage and be involved - "Do Life" together.

It seems that every time I come to a new revelation such as this, that there's another form of media that backs up my hypothesis. So instead of leaving you with a clunky conclusion I'm going to leave you this short film from The Animation Workshop. I stumbled upon it the very night that I expressed these thoughts to my friends at the hookah lounge, and I think you'll understand why I've included it along with this post. It's called "The Reward". Enjoy.

On The Future of Psalms

[As a disclaimer I'd like to admit that I have no knowledge of the religious preference of the members of Mumford and Sons. I have not done research on this, and I don't believe it to be relevant to the conversation. So please don't take any assumptions you read about the band here as fact. I'd also like to say that in the course of writing this I strayed a good bit off of what I originally wanted to talk about. To get back on course would have required twice as much writing and extensive editing. I've decided to leave this as an example of randomness and choosing to come back to the topic at a later date.]

I am here to talk about the nature of worship as you may know it. Honestly I think there needs to be a re-definition of that very term, but I suppose I'll get to that later. I am writing this in response to what I believe is the greatest psalm to be written in recent memory, and released only a week ago. The song is called "I Will Wait" by the band Mumford and Sons, the first single from their upcoming album Babel.

You can listen to it here: 

Now why exactly do I believe this to be the greatest psalm ever written? Well besides the fact that it encapsulates a real connection between a human being and God, focusing on the forgiveness and life He grants, I call it the greatest because you probably didn't even realize it was a psalm. I bet that if you weren't paying attention closely, you wouldn't have noticed it was even about God at all, was even written TO God, actually. In fact, their previous album, Sigh No More, is full of songs like this, though not as blatant, speaking about the struggles and passions of humanity while relating it to the same God (not actually named) that Jesus talks about. Biblical values exist in their lyrics, which is totally uncommon from a band of their caliber, and only part of the reason why I love their music so much.

Mumford and Sons has subtly infiltrated mainstream music with what some christians might call "worship." I just call it truth.

Why do you think this has happened?

I believe it is because they're passionate. They have a gift that they aren't afraid of sharing. They are artists who aren't afraid to be vulnerable. They don't do it for their own glory. They do it for the sake of creation, because they have no other choice. This was written in their bones a long time ago. It wouldn't matter if they are playing at the Grammy's or a friend's living room, they would play with the same amount of gusto, the only way they know how, as if it were their last show, their last song, or their last note.

Honestly I can't claim any of the above to be true, but you know what, I would sure like to think it is.

What I do know is that I Will Wait is no ordinary song that's being talked about in the news, played on the radios, or memorized around the country. It's a song that describes and intimate relationship, or understanding, with the God that I know to be true. And it has been my passion for years to create songs exactly like it.

Recently I've been fed up with what's become known as the Christian and Gospel label, and I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. Christian Music, as some of my friends have described it, doesn't make sense "because music cannot be 'saved'." I use the terms because it's convenient, and the way that the world has come to define such boundaries. However it has now become the cause of so much dissension. Christians and Churches will stay away from any music that does not carry these labels - or what they call secular - and have sometimes considered these things to be sinful. You'll see exaggerated versions of this in a recent movie/musical called "Rock of Ages" and you can bet it is one of the stupidest battles I've ever seen christians take on (If you don't count the recent Chick-Fil-A fiasco…((man I'm all sorts of current events up in here.))

Christians have also used this as a means of separating us from the rest of the world. Of keeping "our music" in the churches, during our "worship" hour, and making sure that every song that is written about God sound exactly the same. We have become redundant. We have become hopeless.

And then here we have a band that's not here to be overtly christian. Not trying to find a new way of doing things, or struggling to be relevant in the ever expanding sea of pop-culture. Not trying to be the next big thing. Using what they know, and without limiting themselves, they are creating music that speaks from the heart and resonates with the world - the sad reality of which we find our current existence.

And I'll be this is only the beginning.

Why?

Because it's my dream to see this change happen.

It's my goal to write music with these same sensibilities. The same way one would paint, dance, or create. I want to write songs that speak to the heart, and not just the mind.

On Returning To Love

There are many moments in life where one has to re-calibrate. re-start. re-connect.

This is not something to be ashamed of.
This is something to look forward to.

Our identity relies on this moment. Dreams converge here. The fallen get a chance to prove that they are still alive.

Perhaps this is all true.
Or perhaps I'm romanticizing this in order to make myself feel better.

I believe I'm going through a time that is testing my relationship with God. I've become stagnant in my faith. I've questioned the reality of what I choose to believe. I'm not in danger of leaving this all behind like some 20-something college student with doubts weighing on his shoulders, no, I'm perfectly incapable of such a thing. Instead I'm choosing to engage this moment. Approach it head on. Strengthening and re-defining what it is I already hold true.

Recently I've taken a step down from any leadership position I may have pretended to have within ministry at Gateway and Gateway College. I've decided that it's too superficial. I'm a fraud, living a lie. I wasn't living like God intended me to.

I have to return to love.

Let me explain. I've come to realize recently that my entire pursuit of God had little to do with my relationship with him, and less to do with my understanding of His Love. You see, when I first started getting more involved in my faith, it was not because of God, it was because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was in Love with them, and their acceptance of who I was. Then, as I started to learn more about Christianity and this whole God thing, I stepped up in areas I knew that I could. I became the leader people had always told me I'd become. I fell in Love with serving with my talents and gifts. I fell in Love with ministry. This went on and off for years until I began to look more inward, at my struggles, fears, and heart, and related ever-so-much with the human condition and our desire to be known and to connect with God. I began to share this with other humans around me, in my circles, and close relationships. I fell in Love with being Authentic.

All the while God was there. I talked to Him, prayed to Him, wrote to Him, and worshipped him in the best way I knew how: through my unique creation. But I never did it because I LOVED Him, or because He LOVED me. I did it because I knew…this is what I'm supposed to do. I wanted to do it. I enjoyed it. It was right. It was true.

But deep down God was wanting something more from me…
He was wanting ME.

In all the ways I had been trying to connect with God I had actually been neglecting God; because sure, God loves to have those things, but He wants to be with me FIRST. People come and go. Service and worship fades. Authenticity can become taxing. God was the consistency that I needed to bind it all together. To weave in-and-out of those things. To make all of it real.

I've decided that I need to figure out what this Love is, because I don't truly understand it. I don't truly know the God that I've believed in all my life - will continue to believe in all my life. I need to become more personal with God. I need this relationship to truly be a relationship. Ongoing. Tangible. Irreplaceable.

I don't need to just believe that God is real.
I need God to be real.

Like I know He can be.

I want to be like Adam.
David.
Solomon.

I want to walk with Him. Talk with Him. Visit with Him. Eat and Drink with Him. Laugh with Him. Cry with Him. Tell stories with Him. Listen closely to Him. Hear what He has to say. Love what He is. Trust in the will that is beyond my comprehension. Enjoy each moment I get to spend with Him.

I want to return to Love.
and I want Love to return to me.

Cutting Out Procrastination

Last week I had breakfast with my friend and mentor Benjamin Sledge. After some french toast and a little catching up, I began to tell him about how horrible I was doing in school. Lately I've been so busy with ministry and things that homework really didn't seem that important to me. This was a relatable issue for him, not too long ago, when he first started getting into ministry and serving, and especially after he got married. The familiarity to him was that I was stretching myself too thin. I had taken on too much and eventually I would start burning out. The important lesson he learned while going through the same situation was how to prioritize things. "I always thought it was God, Wife, Ministry, then myself. When in reality it's supposed to be God, MYSEFLF, Wife, and then ministry." He would go on to explain that I needed to take care of myself before I could take care of other people, and it's possible that I would have to cut some things out of my daily life.

"You can't be afraid to let people down. God's going to work whether you're there or not."

This was probably some of the best advice I had received in a while, and yet there was something missing. I didn't feel stretched. I didn't feel like I was on the edge of burning out. I was having fun. I was doing a lot of things that I had wanted to do for a while. I had a purpose. I felt accomplished. I WAS cutting something out of my life, but that something just happened to be school.

And that's when I realized that Ben was right, but it wasn't that I was taking on too much, it was that my priorities were all out of whack.

Ministry had become a lot to me within the past few weeks. I was devoting everything I had - time, resources, and talent - into ministry, and overall I wasn't doing much for myself. More importantly ministry had taken a priority over God; in fact, ministry WAS my God. I had inadvertently mistaken serving in the church with putting God first, and it was affecting how I interacted with the rest of the world.

Once I discovered this I immediately made some changes. I began to prioritize myself, and I stopped making excuses. The one thing I needed to cut was procrastination. This is what was actually hurting me. So instead of hanging out with friends or working on something for the church as I usually do, I started doing the homework I had been neglecting the past few weeks. I started to apply myself in the areas of my life of which I had committed to. I avoided going home, because for some reason the one place I won't do my homework is at home. This resulted in some very long nights at coffee shops, and a few gatherings, get togethers, or events that I would have to miss, but overall there was a LOT getting done.

I was a machine.

Once I was all caught up I realized that my problem had nothing to do with "not having enough time." I had plenty of time to do everything that I wanted/needed to do. My problem was time management and the harmful fact that I was just wasting it.

Truth be told. I was being lazy.

The most important change I made, however, is still one I'm struggling with the most. God is still required to come first before myself, my friends, or my ministry, and yet that's the hardest one to figure out. I hadn't realized exactly how much I was neglecting Him or our relationship. That days would go by without me acknowledging him or weeks before I would open my bible or talk to Him. This was the real tragedy in all of this, and I knew that I needed to put Him first if I was ever going to accomplish what He has for me to do.

So this shift in priorities has given me an ample amount of time to still finish the work that needs to be done, allows me plenty of time to work on my relationships, and still manages to give me moments of rest. All this because I've effectively cut out procrastination, and not allowing myself to make excuses or put things first that ultimately don't matter. I've allowed God to work even when I'm not around, and I'm trying my best to continue putting Him first so that I can ultimately do well what He provides for me.

It feels good.